Story/Humor
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CJohnson : The Three Pillars
MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson: 188454-G &&^521762 jsow remind you that Aperture Science is built on three pillars. Pillar one: Science without results is just witchcraft. Pillar two: Get results or you're fired. Pillar three: if you suspect a coworker of bein' a witch, report them immediately. I cannot stress that enough. Witchcraft will not be tolerated.
CJohnson : Danger Memo
MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson: 76550293-G
A lot of you have been raising concerns about the so-called "dangers" of what we're all doing here. The beancounters told me to tell you that as of today, testing will no longer be as mandatory or as dangerous. That's not gonna happen, and here's the reason:
Science isn't about why, it's about why not. You ask: Why is so much of our science dangerous? I say: Why not marry safe science if you love it so much. In fact, why not invent a special safety door that won't hit you in the butt on the way out, because you are fired.
Plus, in the event of your death, I personally guarantee that, thanks to the form you were required to sign this morning, your family will not suffer the indignities of a prolonged and costly legal battle against Aperture Science. Trust me, I am rich, and it is a burden I would not wish on anyone.
To summarize: 6218376213 wjqehkjh -213&&&^%@5*(*@))@)#*&@ +---+++
Human Enrichment & Testing Initiative, Resource Acquisitions
CONFIDENTIAL
October 17th, 1976
Re: Human Enrichment & Testing Initiative, Resource Acquisitions
1. "Low Risk" Human Resource Acquisitions
a. Hoboes and Tramps
Lives spent wandering aimlessly, cowering before authority, and drinking concussive amounts of home-distilled potato alcohol make hoboes the perfect Human Enrichment test subjects. The hobo questions nothing, will follow orders if fed, and, like all hoboes, has a restless, wandering heart. (Note: The wandering heart of the hobo should not be confused with Drifting Heart Syndrome, which several transients contracted during testing.)
b. Child Orphans and Foundlings
Deep-rooted abandonment issues leave most orphans highly susceptible to shame-based psychology (for a complete list of opportune moments to obliterate the esteem of test subjects, please consult Training Video #89-D, "You'd Perform This Test Better if You Had Parents"). Recent advances in the use of scorn, flattery used in an ironic context and naked contempt as motivational tools have yielded similarly profitable results.
c. Psychiatric Patients
Past experience shows these fellows are simply not shy at all about carrying on, disrupting tests and defecating just about anywhere that pleases them. Frankly, itís off-putting, and small wonder why Aperture-brand mental institutions are being phased out in favor of more orphanages.
d. Seniors
Frail, brittle hands make holding science devices difficult. Most were born before the advent of science, and can become confused and disoriented when asked to participate in relatively simple tests (teleportation, invisibility, adjusting esteem levels of orphan children).
CJohnson : Death and Honey
MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson: 1564029-G
&&*&)90 &^@^@% &@!%@$%@!&@^ ((#(kjkjsdsajdlkdjsk ^@%% and do not 2612%^54talk to me about casualty rates. The bean counters told me I couldn't fire a man just for bein in a wheelchair. Did it anyway! Ramps are expensive. Or when they said I couldn't practice beekeeping in the office. They should have told that to the honey that won first place in the state finals! &43$$$ $#@^^&@*&^
Hell, they even said I couldn't cheat death. You know where I'd be if I followed the rules? Dead! Dead, and honey prize-less!
CJohnson : I'm Dead, It's Science!
MEMORANDUMS: Filed under CJohnson: 1085839-G
This one's important, folks, so no skimmin'. Cave Johnson here, your boss and founder of Aperture Science?the best damn applied sciences company on Earth. How good is the science here? Get a load a? this: as of this morning, I am dead!
Now, yer probably askin? yourself, "Cave, come on now, how is this possible? Are you some manner of Dracula? Or Frankenstein? Or dependin? on yer cultural heritage, a Blackula or Latin Frankenstein?"gh632jj3 ksjdo sir! It's science. Thanks to our diligent Aperture engineers, I am writin' memos to you today, literally, from beyond the grave! Furthermore I'd l#ke t5o inf))))m 34verybody wePPPPPing a blue shi%%$rt today th32232t y*u @##re f)*# TF FFs0&^t ##f gd fghDFRt 665 ^ $%& 4%^^$. ZSFGS D FGsd5 E$ 5^57&w$% &6&778*$ 4^77 r6ty u$65####################3
Translated: "Furthermore I'd like to inform everybody wearing a blue shirt today that you are...(Fired possibly?)"
Could be a reference to the engineer update comic on the TF2 blog, where the engineer was tasked by the founder of the blue team to fix a device which made him immortal. He also mentions "aperture engineers" and "everybody wearing blue shirts. TF is also written in the jibberish, but that's probably not related.
